Many struggles in relationships can be simply solved by introducing deliberate shifts into the communication patterns. By viewing the struggle as being in the interaction the focus is shifted from the indivdual to what happens between the two people.
A few days ago when we had coffee at the gym after working out my exercise partner shared that she was angry at her husband because he always had to have his way. I asked her “how come you give him so much power?” Her explanation was that this is just how he is and there was nothing she could do about it. I disagreed and said that she played an important part in allowing this balance. She bristled and we dropped the subject.
This morning she told several of us that she had something to share. Her Dad had been over and her husband and Dad got into an ugly political exchange that got out of hand. As a result no one enjoyed the lovely dinner she had prepared. Afterwards she did two things. She called her Dad and said that from now on when he came over political discussions were off limits. Then she wrote a letter to her husband (making numerous revisions until it reflected just what she wanted to say stressing the qualities she admired and also addressing her concerns) and gave it to him fearing all the while that he would erupt in anger. Instead he read the letter and apologized calmly for his behavior.
She was so proud of herself for taking action instead of silently fuming as was her habit. This is a great example of how by viewing the problem as occuring in their interaction rather than in the individual ”this is how he is”. she was able to introduced a simple shift in her response. No longer did she feel so resigned and helpless but rather took delight in having trusted her heart to take appropriate action.
This morning my seven year old granddaughter, a brand new piano student, began to play Yankee Doodle Dandy. When she hit the wrong keys she would in frustration yell out “I am terrible!” After I heard that a few times I suggested that she say instead “I messed up. I am just learning”.
How often do we put ourselves down or give up when something is hard? To say “Iam terrible” can in time become a way of defining who one is. What we say to ourselves has a lot to do with our image of who we are. I wanted my granddaughter to become aware that she had a choice in how she spoke to herself. I want her to develop a growth mindset where she can see that what she needed was practice strategies in order to learn to play this new song. To expect herself to be able to do play a newe song when she first sat down was a set up for frustration. What I want for her is that she not limit herself with judgmental self-talk.
Many adults are in the habit of judging themselves with the result that they stop taking risks that allow them to discover their true potential. Adults can learn to change their belief system from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. The first is based on a belief that our intelligence, talents and behaviors are fixed the latter is based on the belief that these same characteristics can be developed.
We know now that people can learn to develop a growth mindset at any age. Over the years I have coached many men and women. Once they understood the value of developing a growth mindset they were much more willing to apply effort in order to pursue their dreams. The result was that they increased their self confidece and felt better about temselves.
Communication struggles cause a lot of frustration in relationships. I have put together a list of “must dos” that I think are vital for a healthy relationship. The more each person strives to take full respomsibility for self the easier growing together becomes. Each will know clearly where the partner stands on things. The result is that each person stands firmly on his/her feet and experiences self and partner as unique separate people.
Here are some other ideas to enhance communication. Each person can be counted on to say yes and no and truly mean it. Each can ask for what she or he wants and be trusted to take responsibility for own actions. When a promise is made there is follow through. Each person is considerate, respectful, fun to be around, and kind. There are no restrictions on what can be shared and commented on.
A partnership that is built on respect for each other’s uniqueness leads to happily supporting each other’s dreams in every way possible . They are cooperative friends ad not competitors.
Recently, while on vacation in Snow Mass, Colorado , I met a woman who in honor of her fiftieth birthday did her first bungee jump. There is something about turning fifty that brings all kinds of feelings to the forefront. She wanted to do something that took courage and prove to herself that she was not old. The dichotomy of still being a mother of three elementary school children and receiving her AARP invitation was a bit charring.
I don’t remember what I did on my fiftieth birthday but I do recall being very aware that from now on life was no longer limitless. I felt a renewed urgency to reevaluate my life. I recall being offended when I got my AARP invitation and throwing it immediately into the trash. I concluded that if I joined AARP that I was agreeing that I was old. I was not about to join because I did not feel old. Yet I did have to face the fact that whatever I was going to do with my life I better get started.
I also realized that there is real value in this life stage. This is when our internal voice begins to grapple with the reality that whatever we want to pursue the time to begin is now. Gradually I made a commitment to take better care of my body, initiated a move to a new community, and began new business ventures. My journey had its share of setbacks and frustrations along with the joy of growing by expecting more of myself.
AARP kept sending me information like clockwork and I finally was ready to join when I was around 64. Now I felt ready because age did not matter so much to me anymore. In the meantime I have come to accept that what really matters is that I pursue what is important to me and live with gratitude.
‘You are not listening’ is a common outburst when two people are frustrated with each other. Usually they are trying to discuss something and the interaction has become emotionally charged. Unless they find a way to calm down it becomes hard to find a satisfactory solution to the conflict. That is because when people are emotionally agitated they can not think rationally. Thus when couples say they have a communication problem the real problem is in what is happening emotionally between them. The reason they can not hear each other is that they are caught up in a relationship pattern which at that moment is not working for them.
What to do when one is reacting emotionally to what is being said. Here are some simple suggestions to try. The main objective is to find a way to calm down enough in order to be able to think clearly again. Here are two things to do: 1. Breathe deeply from the diaphragm - when agitated breathing becomes shallow and we start hyperventilating. 2. Begin silently counting at least to thirty or more so you get back in touch with your cognitive brain. Only after you are calm enough can you figure out what you want to do next. You could say to your partner ” I really want to hear what you have to say and when you are done I would like you to listen to my ideas”. Depending on the situation you may want to say that you need to take a time out and would like to continue the discussion later. Be sure to set a specific time so the conflict can get resolved.
Communication in intimate relationships involves emotions. The better we understand the dynamics between the two people the easier it becomes to treat each other with civility and understanding. Then love and caring can come to the forefront.
I am currently working on a learning guide which I am calling Relationship Communication Simplified.. Be sure to check back at http://www.kristinavonrosenvinge.com for the launch date. Often all it takes is knowing how to make simple changes in order to strengthen communication in relationships.
Have you ever watched the TV show called THE BIG LOSER? It is a show about very overweight men and women who want to lose weight. Most have struggled for years with unsuccessful dieting and see this as their last chance. It is a very strenuous program consisting of intense physical exercise and learning to make a mindset shift. The people who make a genuine commitment to give their all are the ones who end up being successful at meeting their goals.
I like how clearly “The Biggest Loser” demonstrates the three steps necessary for making successfull changes.
- First is the decision to do something
- Then comes the internal commitment to yourself to do it
- Lastly it is setting up clear steps on how to achieve the desired goal
Have you engaged in the New Year’s ritual of setting new goals? I sure have. Looking back I can say that many of them fell by the wayside after a few weeks. What was missing was the three pronged structure. Indeed I would make decisions to make certain changes. In retrospect I can see that they were look warm decision because I did not make a true commitment to it nor did I set up a realistic step by step sturcture for achieving what I said I wanted.
For years I would say to myself that I really needed to get on a regular exercise program. I would start and stop and start again. It wasn’t until one day I decided that I was kidding myself when I said that I was too busy to exercise. It was true I was busy but I found time by spending less time reading the newspaper and getting up when the alarm went off rather than pushing the snooze alarm. I finally started to have consistent success when I decided exercise was important, made a commitment to my self that I had to do it at least three times a week, and joined a gym and made a concrete plan for when I would exercise.
The big difference was that I no longer gave myself a choice. The result has been that I have felt good physically and pleased that that I have taken responsibility for my physical well being. . There are other areas in my life where I need to apply the same formula. Change takes persistence and effort but the results are well worth it.
There are simple skills that can greatly improve well being. For instance, do you have effective skills for managing yourself when you are upset? This is such a common problem that knowing what to do could make all the difference. When we are emotionally worked up it helps to know how to get control back.
Here are some skills to keep in mind if you want to get back in control.
1. Instead of immediately reacting focus on yourself and begin to breathe deeply. Keep in mind that all of us when we are upset automatically start hyper ventilating and our breath becomes shallow.
2. Silently begin counting to 20 or up to fifty or however long you need. The reason for that is you want to be able to think again. When we are all emotion it is impossible to think clearly.
3. The task is to focus on getting control over yourself. The alternative is that out of anger and frustration you may say or act in ways that you do not want to. By focusing on yourself you will get control back which enhances your well being.
4. Once you can think again figure out what you want the person you are upset with to understand.
5. Speak in “I” messages instead of “you”. You puts the other person on the defensive while I puts you in charge of you.
6. Keep the discussion in the present and stay focused on the issue at hand. If you bring in the past you can no longer find a solution to the present dilemma. By handling your feelings successfully you will have interrupted and changed the communication between you.
Communication in relationships can be confusing. It involves both talking and listening and lots of emotion. My passion is helping people relate with each other so that they feel heard and understood. In this blog I will focus on the art of listening. There is a big difference between half listening and full listening. When we are half listening our minds are occupied with other thoughts at the same time. As I am writing this I can hear the voice of one of my children “You are not listening, you did not hear what I said”. And the truth was I really only half heard. I would then get jolted back to the present moment and make sure that I engaged fully while listening.
Many times when I half listened I was not even conscious of the fact that I only half heard. At other times I would pretend to listen but my mind would be occupied with other things. In such situations it would have been much better to say “I can’t be present and listen right now.” The next step then would be to find a time when both of us could be fully present.
Another useful idea is to put aside all preconceived ideas of what the speaker is going to say. If we do not do that we can easily pretend to be mind readers. The tendency is to mentally say to oneself “I know what he/she is going to say. I have heard it before”. Instead, expect yourself to listen and then make sure that you really understood what was said by asking follow up questions.
A friend told me that she overheard her 20 something daughter yelling at her boyfriend and using ugly language. He had recently moved 500 miles away for military training and she wanted to know if their relationship had a future or not. She spilled all her frustration on him. Yet what she was really struggling with was her fear that he was pulling away not just in distance but also emotionally. If he only heard her words what was going on with her emotionally.
It is valuable to keep in mind that if the speaker is emotional there is a whole layer of feelings behind the words spoken. Good time to try to get more clarity as to what really is being said.
I was among the millions of people who watched Oprah’s very last show from Chicago. Over the past 25 years I have tuned in off and on and liked the way she connected to the issues that people face. Her parting message was about worthiness. Oprah understood that most of us struggle with a sense of unworthiness. We want validation from others and block our own blessings by worrying are we worthy enough. She emphasized that we need to remind ourselves that we are worthy just because we are here.
Oprah showed a snippet of a previous show where a woman shared that when she was admired for her achievements her inner voice was crying out “do you hear me, do you see me, am I worthy”. Her inner pain yearned for validation of her worthiness and the external accolades did not meet that need.
I recently coached a man who was feeling utterly worthless. He had been a very successful business man and his identity was tied to his job. What he had not developed was a solid sense of inner worth. I challenged him to put his energy into growing in the areas that he had neglected. Once he accepted the truism that people can grow and change at any age he opened himself up and discovered strengths and interests that had been dormant all these years. As he learned to validate his essence and take action his sense of worthiness expanded.
Self-worth is the ability to value one’s self and to treat oneself with love and dignity. Adults who want to live vibrantly have the opportunity to unlearn limiting beliefs and build a strong sense of inner self worth. The way to do that is by learning effective communication and relationship skills that lead to feeling good on the inside and in relationship with others.
