My course on communicating with ease is now up. You can claim your free short report “Speak from the Heart and Grow Your Relationships” at http://www.RelationshipCommunicationSimplified.com and also find out all about this 12 week course.
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Last time I wrote about the new Happiness Pill which is being sold as the answer for our longing to feel good. Since then I have seen ads for pills with similar claims marketed under a variety of names. Of course anti depressants make similar promises. It is no wonder that the percentage of people taking them keeps increasing. I recently read that Dr. Andrew Weil referred to depression as “the common cold of modern emotional life”. Because of the prevalence of depression I thought this was very apt description. He was not referring to the people who have depression brought on by the imbalance of brain chemicals which can be very debilitating. Instead he was talking about what is commonly referred to as low level depression. What we know is that this kind of depression frequently begins to lift as the result of making changes in thinking and life style habits. I refer to myself as a self-mastery and relationship coach. I believe that relationship change starts with the individual. Recently I coached a woman who was unhappy and putting most of the blame on her husband. She was stuck in “if only” thinking which kept her in the past. In order to take control of her life she had to start living in the present. Change can only happen in the present. She could see that she had neglected herself by becoming overweight, not caring enough about her appearance, and admitting that she was bored. As she worked at becoming mindful -paying full attention to the present moment- she started to take action to take better care of herself. As her depression began to lift she was in a much better position to address her relationship concerns. As she felt better she was amazed to discover that things that she had thought were big problems could be dealt with successfully. To feel contentment takes a willingness to address the things that bother us and concrete action to make the necessary changes in order to create the life we want.
Please join me on Wednesday, Nov. 9 at 1 PM EST, for a free teleseminar called “Take Control and Create the Life You Want”. You will get specific suggestions that will enhance how you communicate, relate with others, and take care of yourself. To register please go to http://budurl.com/dbpr. I am looking forward to having you take part in this teleclass on Wednesday. The other news is that my course on communicating with ease is now up. You can claim your free short report “Speak from the Heart and Grow Your Relationships” at http://www.RelationshipCommunicationSimplified.com and also find out all about this 12 week course.
Did you read the article about the new happiness pill which appeared in many papers? The article claimed that this pill could become the greatest growing mood product. It is touted to be the answer to millions of Americans who are struggling to stay happy. Just two pills a day will ease stress and anxiety and help you live a happier more active life. As I read this I began to feel depressed.. How sad that so many people are looking for a pill to make them feel better. They were not talking about people who are clinically depressed rather this pill is for ordinary folk who would like to find an easy way to be happy. I believe that the feeling of happiness is the result of taking charge of one’s own life. A pill will give temporary relief, but unless the underlying conditions are changed ,it will not solve the unhappiness problem. For instance, the pill is not going to alleviate marital conflict. If someone is unhappy because of a weight issue the happiness pill would not address this concern. Likewise, a happiness pill is not going to take care of alcoholism or prescription drug addiction. Whoever in the family takes the happiness pill is most likely going to tolerate a situation that is detrimental to all in the family a bit longer. Unless real change is introduced the underlying problem will not be alleviated. What about using the natural mood enhancer that is the result of engaging in exercising.? Or eating the kinds of foods that give one energy? Or learning to change communication patterns that are negative and work on having a positive attitude about life? All of those efforts take commitment and persistence in order to produce lasting change. My worry about the happiness pill is that it becomes a cover-up for addressing life situations that can be changes. It is easy to swallow a few pills daily. It is harder to put time and effort into learning to truly take good care of self. The effort is worth it because there will be the long term result of having created lasting happiness. What happened last night could really occur anytime. This was Hallowe’en evening and I briefly stopped by at to see my two grandchildren in their costumes. She was dressed as a good witch and he as some character out of Star Wars. I handed both a card with $10 in it. They were excited at their sudden wealth. A few minutes later my 7 year old granddaughter pushed her money away and said”I don’t want it!” We grown ups rushed in and said a number of things like ”What’s going on. You were happy just a few minutes ago. It’s yours. Put it into your piggy bank.” She quietly said Okey. Her 5 year old brother was happy with his money. I was puzzled as to how come she went from being so excited to declaring loudly that she did not want it. I was curious as to what was she saying to herself that prompted her to change her mind? Fortunately we had a chance to talk about it later. She said she had never had so much money at one time and it made her feel funny. I asked her what she meant by that. She explained that she thought I had given her too much and she better give it back. Giving the money back was in her mind a generous act yet the harshness with which she expressed it could easily be interpreted as being ungrateful. How often do we find ourselves in situations where we think we know what the other person means when reality is that we don’t have a clue. It is when we ask for more information that words and behavior that seem confusing begin to make good sense. Communication confusion does not just happen with children but of course also between adults. It is easy to jump to conclusions as if we were mind readers without giving the other person a chance to explain what is meant. When confused an effective communication skill is to ask for more information rather than resorting to mind reading. If you are looking for more helpful suggestions on effective communication skills please visit http:/www.relationshipcommunicationsimplified.com. Hear you can get a free small report on “Speaking from the Heart” and learn about my 12 week commmunicating with ease course.
If you have been following my blog you are well aware of my interest in how people tallk and listen so that that they feel good about themselves and their relationships are empowered. Let me give you an example of a very simple but effective communication skill when you are looking for information. Remember to ask HOW questions instead of WHY questions. The latter creates defensiveness while the former is a way of asking for more information. Try it next time you find yourself in such a situation. How we say things has a lot to do with our self-confidence. When we are unsure of ourselves we are much more apt to speak in ways that reflect that. We may be trying to please in order to curry favor because we fear the other person’s will think of us. Also how we communicate with others is greatly influenced by what we say to ourselves. If we feel vulnerable our choice of words will refect that. The way we communicate is learned and if it is not getting us the results we want it may well mean that we need to be open to strengthening the effectiveness of the skills we have. I have put together a 12 module communication course filled with simple suggestions to make communicating in relationships more effective. The suggestions are specific and easy to implement. Please visit http://www.relationshipcommunicationsimplified.com and see for yourself.
I have a real fondness for quotes because they so succinctly convey a message. One of my favorites is:”And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” by Anais Nin. My conclusion is that as we go through life we let some of our buds open while others remain tight in the bud. I once coached a very successful business man who had opened his career success buds but neglected the buds that he needed for creating meaningful personal relationships. He did not make time to nourish those buds. Interestingly the day came when hthe pain of not having good relationships was worth the risk to open these buds. How can we open these buds that are still tight? First of all it takes self awareness to make a committment to be willing to make changes. It involves risking uncertainty and vulnerability. The successful business man had indeed had marriages that did not last and his relationships with his children were distant. The risk for him was to learn to develop sides of him where he did not feel sure of himself. When we take the risk to open the buds that are still tight we eveolve our lives. For some it may mean strengthening the relationship muscle for some others it may be bringing forth intellectual strengths that have been suppressed. What we all desire is to bring forth our potential and enjoy our lives. Once we decide to accept the risk to learn new skills and fill in missing gaps new blossoms appear.
What does it mean to evolve your life? To me it means letting go of beliefs and behaviors that get in the way of living to the fullest. Simply put, it is accepting ourselves as we are while simultaneously knowing that there is so much more to us than what we are expressing. Here are five ways to evolve your life: 1. Have a desire When we desire to evolve ourselves we know deep inside that there is more to us than we have brought forth. We realize that habits of thinking and being are holding us back from growing into the person we are capable of being. 2. Change the desire into a goal Use words to express what you desire. Knowing clearly what your goal is helps you stay on course. I recently coached a woman who came up with the following clear goal message: I want to learn to love myself. 3. Make a committment to your goal The committment to the goal becomes the beacon that you follow. The woman whose goal was to love herself introduced incremental steps towards her goal. Step One became: “I will catch myself when I put myself down and substitute positive words.” Catching herself was a beautiful way of raising her self awareness so that she could begin to transform her image of herself. 4. Invest in what you desire Invest effort, time and thought into attaining your goal. A clear goalpost makes it easier to stay focused. The journey to grow a strong personal foundation involves having a clear goal propelled by the desire to keep evolving as a person. 5. How to know that you are evolving You will know deep inside that you are evolving because you begin to feel differently. For instance,the woman who was working towards learning to love herself, was able to tell that her self-confidence was growing. She was more accepting of herself and less concerned about pleasing others all the time. Investing in oneself takes discipline. The reward for this effort is living your life to the fullest. Have you found yourself in the situation where you have become a reactor in your own life? You are so busy reacting to external committments and demands that you are no longer paying attention to what you want. I have been at that place and it is scary. I remember vividly feeling that I was disappearing. How do you regain control over yourself? Here are three steps to guide you. 1. Raise your self-awareness By that I mean admitting to yourself that you have to regroup. Operating as a reactor diminishes you as a person. You end up responding to other people’s agendas without being able to give honest input as to if that is also what you want for yourself. Work and relationship committments are the main areas that can take over one’s life. Unless one finds a way to regroup it will eventually lead to burn-out. 2. Begin viewing yourself as a separate entity This may sound simplistic but it really is the key to introducing change. For instance if you are constantly responding to your children’s or spouses demands without consciously thinking about your needs you will respond as if you are on automatic pilot. You will keep doing the same thing because you are responding out of habit. 3. Be an Actor in your life When you start objectively looking at your behavior you are on the road to being able to start introducing change. Pick one thing you want to do differently and then take action to strengthen your voice. By reclaiming your voice you can begin to think first of all “What do I want” when someone makes a request of you. To have a sense of control in your life you have to be vigilant to make sure that yu remain an active participant in your life. In a loving relationship the two people have to be able to trust each other. Trust comes from following through on commitments, being responsible and caring, and being able to think of how what each does impacts on the other. Here is an example of how one man became aware of how he excluded his wife when he made decisions. I had been coaching a couple as they were working on strengthening their relationship. I had a call from the husband saying that he wanted to change their appointment scheduled for the following day. I am generally quite flexible and, if I can, I am happy to do so. My question to him was: what does your wife say? It turned out he had not discussed it with her nor had he thought of doing so. I could clearly see his pattern of making decisions that affect both of them. She had shared that there were numerous times when he did not follow through on what they had agreed to. . This was a good example of that. He only thought of his need to change the appointment without extending the courtesy to discuss it with her. He explained to me that it did not even occur to him to discuss this with her. I made a strong point over the phone that I felt it was important that they came in soon especially since his wife had clearly expressed that she wanted to meet on that day. He had “forgotten”. He agreed to talk it over with his wife. A bit later he called to say that they would both be in a day after the originally scheduled appointment if I could see them then. He sheepishly added that he finally understood the” WE thing”. This time he became aware of how she felt when he did not include her in the change of plans that affected both of them. She had trusted his word. What he meant by the “WE thing” was that he finally undedrstood that if he wanted a loving relationship he had to think on two levels: What do I want and how will that affect my relationship. When I saw them again there was a shift in how they related to each other. |
 
  
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